


I Only Wrote This Down To Make You Press Rewind

by killingmonsterswritingthings



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Trans Character, F/F, Gen, Lup Gets A New Body, Reunions, Spoilers, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 09:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11145864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killingmonsterswritingthings/pseuds/killingmonsterswritingthings
Summary: Lup had died without a body, or even the promise of one, to return to, and so her soul – confused and hurt – had taken to inhabit her staff. Lucretia, after finally allowing herself to hope again, decided to grow her a new body.





	I Only Wrote This Down To Make You Press Rewind

**Author's Note:**

> listen, i really really really hope griffin is gonna revive lup because otherwise things are Not Good, but i had to write this myself. like, fuck, if we have that weird magic sci fi tech then we gotta do this. also because, well, lupcretia.
> 
> if there's some inconsistencies i apologize, keeping timelines and facts regarding memory/the voidfish straight is hard bc griffin is a genius and half my brain capacity is focused on passing my economy final next week
> 
> (also pls tell me if you think i should add more tags, i couldn't think of ANYTHING)

 

Lucretia still painted.

She painted everything that she had seen, from memory, and from the sketches in her notebooks.

Vast landscapes, and cities that the inhabitants of Faerun could never think of in their wildest dreams, and worlds made entirely out of water.

She painted her friends the ways they had looked in ages, and universes, past.

And she painted Lup most of all.

Lup, whom she missed so deeply, every day.

Lup, whom she loved.

Growing used to Taako carrying the Umbra Staff – carrying  _Lup_ – around without being aware what it was –  _who_ it was – had been one of the hardest things yet. And it had been indescribably hard already to erase all their memories, to set up an entire reality where no one except her knew what had happened, what was  _going to happen_ if she didn’t succeed.

It had been hard to adapt to being the sole leader, to running an entire operation on her own, when previously she had been surrounded by the same six people for a century, relying on them.

  


  


A whole (locked) room of her private quarters w as filled with hundreds of paintings, paintings she would never be able to show anyone.

Lup had died without a body, or even the promise of one, to return to, and so her soul – confused and hurt – had taken to inhabit her staff. Or at least that was what Lucretia had pieced together after she had seen Taako on the Bureau of Balance base that first  day .

She hadn’t known where Lup was, or how to get her to a new body, had almost given up hope. Foolish.

Then, when she had learned the truth, she hadn’t known if it was still worth it, with The Hunger so close – and no idea when exactly it would come, every past calculation useless now that they had broken up the light of creation. The relics had ruined anything.

But she had opened her safe anyway, the one with blood samples of all of them.

She had had to try.

Because what they relied on – what they had always relied on, and would continue to do – was hope, and Lup had shown her that most of all.

  


  


She had watched Lup’s body grow over months, locked away even more securely than the baby voidfish, because this was so important, and the repercussions if anyone – most of all Taako – would find it would be dire. While Lup grew, Lucretia tried to find a way to get the Umbra Staff from Taako, so Lup could return to where she belonged, in the form she deserved.

And she had painted her.

The way she remembered her and the way she saw her growing in her tank. She had never known Lup as a child, and she never would, but seeing her body grow so fast, over months, was a privilege.

At least another dozen pictures joined the ones she already had, and Lucretia wondered if they would be destroyed along with them, and the world, eventually.

And then the boys had gone to Wonderland – and Lup (the Umbra Staff) with them – and Lucretia had hoped desperately that they would return, that she wouldn’t lose Taako, and Magnus, and Merle (and Lup all over again). She didn’t know how much more of it she could take.

They had returned without Magnus and for just a moment Lucretia had seen her worst fears come true. Until everything unfolded. Until they found out.

And then things went to hell.

It was a piece of work to convince the boys to give her the time to explain, and their help to erect the shield she had been dreaming of for so long, all the while her heart hurt with guilt over everything she had put them through.

It worked – eventually, it did – and The Hunger got banished from the world, but some of its fighters remained, cut off from the main force and no longer part of a unified being. Their wrath turned against the Bureau, of course, and the world.

  


  


  


Lucretia, exhausted and taking a break, managed to stop Taako before he threw himself back into the fray  to get rid of the last remnants of the horror that had haunted them all for so long.

“Please,” she said, “give me the Umbra Staff. I have a body for her.”

Taako looked like he wanted to yell at her, but then he stopped himself, looking down at his staff. It was straining in Lucretia’s direction, almost ripping itself from his grasp. He relinquished it.

“Don’t let her die again,” he said, very seriously. Lucretia knew that he wanted to be there with her, to see his sister again for the first time in years – for the first time in this life – but they all had a role to play.

Lucretia nodded, cradling the Umbra Staff close to herself. “I won’t,” she said.

She knew  they had a better chance  at surviving the next days if Lup was there . But her motivation was mainly personal, and she knew it. She needed Lup with her.

She rushed back to her quarters,  through security doors and a second hidden passage, until she was in front of the tank,  which now contained Lup’s fully grown body.

“You can come back now,” she told the staff. “You know how, don’t you?”

Nothing happened for a moment, despite the Umbra Staff vibrating slightly.

“Come back to me,” Lucretia pleaded.

A light burst out of the staff, bright and blinding and searing and Lucretia closed her eyes for  just  a second, her grip around the staff tightening.

As soon as the light had receded, she was again staring at Lup’s still form in the tank with baited breath.

Had it worked? Had Lup known what to do?

Would she remember? (Of course she wouldn’t, Lucretia had seen to that, and regretted it bitterly.)

Then her eyes opened and Lucretia gasped,  dropping the Umbra Staff . She took a step back. She hadn’t seen her eyes in so long.

  


She helped Lup from the tank.

“You’re alright,” she said, and wrapped her in a robe. “You’re alright now.”

She would be. They both would be.  They all would be.

“Where am I?” Lup asked, her voice hoarse, and for a moment Lucretia got caught up in watching her grimace. Watching that face move again.

When she tore herself away, she grabbed two vials from  a cabinet, remembering just in time.

“Who-?” Lup started but Lucretia shushed her.

“Drink this,” she said, offering her the iquor. The voidfish iquor. She didn’t know if she could have borne Lup asking her who she was. With everyone else the question had stung, _hurt_ even, but the lies had gotten easier and easier over time. But not with Lup.

Lup regarded her  and the offered vials  with suspicion. “What is it?”

“It’ll help you remember,” Lucretia said. “It’s not poison, I swear. Please, trust me.”

And thankfully, surprisingly, Lup did. She took the vials from Lucretia and downed them one after the other. Lucretia could not quantify the relief she felt at the realization that Lup, despite not knowing, despite having forgotten, still trusted her, at least in some capacity.

The voidfish severed memories, but it couldn’t completely sever bonds.

Lup was very still for a second, her face frozen somewhere between disgust and surprise, before it evened out. She opened her eyes.

“God, that was awful,” she said. Of course the first thing out of her mouth would be that.

Then her eyes focused  on Lucretia and  Lucretia  was  staring at her, waiting.

“Lucretia?”

Lucretia could have cried.

“I’m here, Lup. I’m here.”

Lup’s face split into a smile and she tried to get up before grimacing again and stumbling, Lucretia caught here.

“Easy,” she said. “It’s got to be a bit much, huh?”

Lup nodded. Lucretia could see that it was all coming to her in wave s.

“I’m sorry,” Lucretia said. It was best to preface everything with that. It was best to say it as often as she could.

“It’s fine… I think?” Lup said and straightened up a little. Lucretia found she didn’t want to let go of her. “God… Luce. I can’t believe...”

“I know,” Lucretia said, doing her best to appear comforting. “I’m so sorry. About everything that happened, and everything I did to you.”

She explained everything she had explained to the boys before, once again. So Lup wouldn’t be destroyed by the force and weight of her memories.

Lup was silent through the whole thing, but after a minute or so she started running her hands over Lucretia’s arms – up and down, up and down, a repetitive movement meant to calm them both down. So Lucretia deemed it safe to touch her likewise while she wasn’t occupied with motions to underline her story. A short grip of her shoulder, running her hands through Lup’s wet hair, a light touch on her ears.

  


  


It took  them a lmost an hour to get everything in order and  for Lup  adjust to the feeling of remembering-not remembering-remembering. Lucretia hadn’t dared to leave her, although she had wanted to get her some proper clothes. Their IPRE uniforms had long been destroyed, but there was always some dresses around that should fit Lup. She would have prepared better, but in her haste she had forgotten. After all these years, she had forgotten.

Finally Lup managed to stand up properly.

“Where’s Taako?” she asked.

Lucretia took a deep, shuddering breath. She had been waiting for this question. “He’s here,” she said. “Not here here, as you can see, but he’s in… the same building? Or just outside it.”

She had not forgotten about the battle raging on around them, but the innermost parts of the base had been left untouched so far.

“Where are we, then?”

For a short, surreal moment Lucretia wanted to say ‘the moon’, but she resisted. “The Bureau of Balance,” she said.

Lup looked at her weirdly. “So you..” Trying to find the right memories, the right words. “Took our memories. To build this?”

“I said I’m sorry,” Lucretia said. It had been the only way to right what they had done wrong.

“I know,” Lup said. “I’m not… Okay, I’m kind of blaming you, but I understand how you thought this was your only chance. And at least you didn’t kill us to get the relics.”

“I could never have killed all of you,” Lucretia said. She wasn’t that powerful.

Lup scoffed. “Oh, I see, that’s how it is.” A grin was tugging at her mouth though and Lucretia could see that she wasn’t mad. A second passed, then… “You underestimate yourself, you know?”

Lucretia shrugged. “Maybe.” She did just save the world, kind of. At least from from certain doom. There would still be a significant level of death and destruction, and she was sorry for that.

“Let’s get you into some proper clothes,” she said.

“Gladly,” Lup said and – after picking up the Umbra Staff – followed her back through the doors to her quarters.

“I don’t have most of your things anymore,” Lucretia said. “I’m sorry about that, too, but you’ll understand that keeping a lot of things was nigh impossible.”

Lup grinned and her hand around Lucretia’s tightened slightly. “I like wearing your clothes.” She paused for a second before adding: “It’ll help me adjust.”

“I figured,” Lucretia said and smiled. She opened her wardrobe and motioned at Lup. “Take whatever you want.”

Lup looked from the open wardrobe doors to Lucretia. “Are you serious?” she asked.

“Have I ever not been serious in my life?”

“I do remember you making a very funny joke about the slugs on that one plane.”

“Oh my gods, I can’t believe you already remember that. Yes, I’m serious, please just put on some clothes.”

Lup batted her eyes at her. “What, you don’t like me naked?”

“Lup, there’s a war going on.”

“From what I can tell, the others have it handled,” Lup said and waved her hand nonchalantly as she approached the wardrobe but Lucretia could tell that it was only a fassade. Lup cared too much for that. She must be feeling less strong than she was letting on.

While most of Lucretia’s clothes were practical – robes, mainly – there were a few indulgence she had allowed herself. There was a little downtime if you ran a big base and could delegate tasks and were basically just waiting and waiting and waiting for your friends to bring back the pieces of a puzzle you had thought of together (but also separately, because they had been divided in opinion), with her unable to help them. So she had a small collection of both comfortable clothes and clothes that he just… liked.

“Luce, these are beautiful,” Lup said. She pulled a pair of pants out of the depths of Lucretia’s wardrobe that Lucretia wouldn’t have worn even halfway through their hundred year journey, they were that tight. Lup’s selection was soon joined by a sleeveless black shirt and a long coat that Lucretia had honestly forgotten she possessed. She dimly remembered buying it because it reminded her of the days when the seven of them had been together.

“You got some underwear for me, too?” Lup asked and cocked her head, the pile of clothes in her hands. “And some shoes, preferably, but I can fight barefoot...”

“You don’t have to fight,” Lucretia said weakly.

Lup leveled her with a stare. “And not surprise my brother on the battlefield? No way.”

Of course. Lucretia sighed and pulled open a drawer. “Underwear’s here. I think I have a pair of boots that should fit you, too.”

  


Lucretia wanted to turn away as Lup dressed, excuse herself to go back to the battlefield – because she really should – but she couldn’t bring herself to look away.

Lup was mesmerizing. (And she knew it, because she grinned at Lucretia knowingly.) It wasn’t like Lucretia had never seen her naked before – or seen her undress, or dress herself again. It had been a long hundred years. But ten years away from each other had dimmed the memories a little, and she was happy to rediscover them now.

Lup put on everything that she had picked and with every piece of clothing that she added she seemed a little more herself again. The pants were a little long, with Lucretia taller than her, but otherwise everything fit her well

Then she stepped up to Lucretia’s mirror, regarding herself critically.  “Ugh, this isn’t quite right,”  she said  and grimaced .

It couldn’t be her body, it was the same as it had been at the end of their journey to this particular plane, not the one from before her transition. It had to be her clothes.

“It’s weird to see myself again,” Lup said. She looked at the Umbra Staff and it came flying into her hand. She flicked it slightly and the pants turned shorter, hemming themselves, same as the coat. With another movement, her hair grew a little so that it just touched her shoulders and changed color from bleach blonde to a blue that went beautifully with her brown skin tone. “Now, that’s better.”

Lucretia only stared at her. She wanted to paint her again, although she knew the impulse was irrational. It was surreal to have her back after all this time. Surreal and so, so good.

Lup raised both eyebrows and god, how Lucretia had missed her. “Are we gonna go fight or not?”

“If you insist,” Lucretia said. She hated that it had come to this again, but maybe soon they would be done with this forever. They were so close.

They walked out of the room and down the corridors next to each other and Lucretia slipped her hand into Lup’s somewhere along the way.

She was glad she didn’t have to face everything on her own anymore.

  


  


The crisis base for regrouping and strategy talks had been moved from Lucretia’s office to the main hall of the base, just because it offered more space and was both easier and faster accessible

Lucretia and Lup arrived to find Barry and Davenport bent over a map.

“Guys,” Lucretia said and their heads snapped up immediately, even though neither of them had ever been under her command in the Bureau, even though she had betrayed both of them bitterly.

Barry caught on quicker than Davenport, and after the first second of shock his face split into a huge smile. Had Taako told them what Lucretia was doing?

“Lup!” he bellowed and came running over, sweeping her up in his arms and twirling her around.

“Barry!” she grinned at him but then hit his arm. “I’m happy to see you too but please let me down. What’s the deal with this war, huh?”

“Yeah, what’s the status?” Lucretia added and looked at Davenport, while Barry reluctantly put Lup down, still grinning from ear to ear. Lucretia was glad she had given Lup back to him, too.

“Welcome back,” he said to Lup, and he momentarily looked like he wanted to cry.

“Good to see you again, Captainport,” Lup grinned and for a moment Lucretia expected her to pick him up and hug him, too, but she seemed to have some self-restraint.

“There’s only a handful of the Hunger left on the base,” Davenport said, after rolling his eyes fondly at the nickname. It hadn’t been used in so long, Lucretia remembered. Lup was the first one to use it in… how long? Longer than a decade, at least. “Angus and Noelle are taking care of them. The rest of them are amassing directly under us on the ground. We seem to have cut them off from the main swarm very effectively, but they still seem to be sensing the remnants of the light.”

“Well,” Lucretia said and then, in one breath with Lup: “They can’t have it.”

“Taako?” Lup asked them, a little impatient now.

“They – Taako, Merle and Magnus – departed in one of the spheres about twenty minutes ago,” Barry said.

“Spheres?” Lup echoed.

“Our way of transportation to the surface,” Lucretia said. “I’ll show you.”

“You want to go down there?” Davenport asked.

Lucretia shrugged. “I have to eventually.” She hadn’t been on the surface in… quite some time. Almost as long as the Bureau had existed. “I’m okay, I really am.”

“And you really don’t want me up here and not down there helping my brother,” Lup said.

Davenport sighed. “Alright, go.”

“I’ve got my stone of farspeech,” Lucretia said. Although she wasn’t sure how well it worked at the moment, with all the interference from the Hunger still.

They received their “Good luck”s from Barry and Davenport and rushed over to the hangar, where Avi was still tending to the travel spheres.

  


They were waiting for one of the spheres to pull up, and Lucretia felt an anxious energy she hadn’t experienced in… a long, long while.

“Hey, wait,” Lup said and pulled on Lucretia’s sleeve.

Lucretia stopped, one eye still on the approaching sphere. “Hm?”

“I just remembered I haven’t done this yet,” Lup said and suddenly her other hand was on Lucretia’s waist, to pull her in closer. Lucretia’s heart skipped a beat.

Then Lup was standing on her tiptoes and her lips were on Lucretia and all the memories came back to her in a rush, as if she had been the one just inoculated by the baby voidfish. It was exhilarating.

“I love you,” Lup whispered against Lucretia’s lips and Lucretia sighed into the kiss, unable to say anything herself. “Thank you for finally bringing me back.”

It seemed to go on for an eternity, and then not for long enough. Lup pulled back and grinned. “There. Now we can go.”

“I love you, too,” Lucretia said, and climbed into the sphere after her.

She had waited for this for so long.

  


  


They arrived on the surface just a little bit outside the fighting – far enough not to immediately get overwhelmed, close enough to not have to hike for ages.

The others must have seen them come down, but no one came to greet them.

Lucretia could see Magnus and Taako in the distance and when she turned to Lup, she had spotted them, too.

“Go,” Lucretia told her. She knew Lup could run faster than her.

But Lup shook her head. “Come on,” she said, took Lucretia’s hand and they ran towards the midst of the fighting together. Towards Magnus, and Merle, and Taako, and Killian, and Carey.

Magnus was still wielding the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom and Taako was shooting spells off left and right. Something that looked like an army of vines was assisting Merle.

One of the Hunger parts that had a little more shape was approaching Taako while he had his back turned and Lup…

Lup jumped, the Umbra Staff outstretched, between her brother and the enemy. She hit the shape square in the chest, making it evaporate effectively.

Taako turned and almost dropped his own wand at the sight.

“Lulu?” It sounded so small out of his mouth. Even though he had known what Lucretia was trying to do. As if he hadn’t believed. He probably hadn’t dared to hope, and Lucretia couldn’t blame him.

“I’m back,” Lup sounded but she sounded teary even over the distance she had put between herself and Lucretia.

“ _Lulu!”_

Taako hugged her like Lucretia had never seen him hug anyone else before. Taako was not a hugging person, and even back in the day all his physical contact with his sister had been short, and celebratory at best. But this… This was something else.

She was glad she had reunited them.

Taako finally let go of Lup, and neither of them even pretended not to be crying.

“Let’s kick some ass,” she said.

  


Lucretia found herself fighting next to Taako a few minutes later and between firing blasts at enemies, he looked right at her.

“Thank you,” he said.

  


Lucretia’s heart felt a little lighter now.

They would win this fight.

They would have a future.

  


  


They didn’t get to share a hug all together until after they had gotten through the fight, but then it felt so much better.

And Lucretia finally felt like she belonged again.

  


  


  


(Later, much much later, Lup would see the hundreds of paintings Lucretia had done of her.

She would tease, and be speechless, and then kiss her.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> rest in fucking PIECES i wrote like more than a third of this today and i'm SO TIRED  
> please let me know if you find any typos, i didn't have the strength to read this over again
> 
> title from [young and menace](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtVFTuIZFYU) by fall out boy (what a fucking taz song tbh??)
> 
> come visit me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/luffylaws) and [tumblr](https://leiathelight.tumblr.com), or leave me a comment!


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